Boundaries are important because they define the limits of a space – any space. They help us understand our world and how to operate within it, so we know what to expect. Setting boundaries is about drawing the line in the sand between us and everything else so it’s critical that we get it right. Importantly, we need to ensure that our boundaries are appropriate for us, and we feel empowered to enforce them when we need to.
When we feel disempowered or when boundaries are unclear, or missing entirely, we can fall into the trap of needing boundaries for protection, to make us feel safe, so we know what to expect. As soon as we do this, we are inadvertently activating our survival neurology, our flight-fight response, and boundaries now become about defence: go forth and build a fortress to protect yourself. This creates a lot of problems around rigidity, smallness and restriction. We lose the flexibility to choose our responses and we are left with limited resources that dwindle over time with no opportunity to gain new ones.
Think of a besieged castle – yes, it keeps danger out, but it also keeps danger in, the danger that lives inside us, the unresolved trauma and experiences that trap us into a limited, defensive existence, that keeps us in fight-flight. We narrow our view of our world, looking through tiny windows, ever-vigilant for danger, never seeing the possibility that we could be more. How can we when our movement is restricted into such an inflexible space.
Appropriate boundaries offer protection in quite a different way in that they provide us with assurance that we are ok, we know what to expect and we can be who we are meant to be, not just safe. So how do you set appropriate boundaries? The first step is to understand your values, what is important to you, in each context of your life – personal relationships, work, family, leisure, passions, education, etc. This will help you define what is acceptable to you and what isn’t – a good place to start to understand what your boundaries already are.A quick exercise in setting a personal boundary is instead of building wall, build a bubble – a simple soap bubble complete with rainbows that dance over the surface. Easy to see through and easy to change but clearly a boundary – it has an edge, a limit. Close your eyes and visualise this bubble at the distance of your fingertips when you stretch your arm out in front of you. It surrounds you at this distance and you can see through it clearly. When something approaches the bubble, you see it and have time to respond to it. Imagine that you can invite who or what you want into your bubble and equally you are empowered to stop anything from entering that you don’t want. (Side note: if bubbles aren’t doing it for you, then boundary stones like in the tv show M.A.S.H can also work.) If after this, you still feel the need for protection then it’s time for a session (or 3!) to do the inner work on why.
